Not in my Job Description
by Juura99
Summary: Give me rabid animals! Give me crazy, psycho assassins! Give me BABYSITTING DUTIES! Anything...Give me anything!ANYTHING BUT THIS! Three-shot. Written in the same style as Peaceful. Sasuke POV. T for language. R&R if you dare!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! Wow, this little project is actually quite old...I started writing this very soon after I finished with my three-shot Peaceful. It's actually written in the same style, except THIS time...it's from Sasuke's mind! XD**

**I must say, it's rather fun imagining all these thoughts running on behind a stoic face! :P**

**Anyway, this is more of a side project, but I hope you enjoy it anyway, and if you enjoyed the way Peaceful was written, then this should be fun for you! ^_^**

**Enjoy!  
**

* * *

This...this was _not_ a part of my job description.

"..."

"..."

This isn't happening. It _can't_ be happening. It's way too crazy. Someone must've slipped something into my beer when I wasn't looking.

Because this wasn't in my job description.

"..."

"...Teme, you okay?"

Shut up! Don't talk! I need time to...process...

FUCK!

God, give me rabid, wild animals! Give me dangerous criminals and deadly assassins! Give me fucking natural disasters! Give me _babysitting_ duties!

Anything! Fucking anything!

"Sasuke? Hello, are you in there?"

Fucking _anything but this_!

"...huh?"

Oh, so I do have a voice box now.

Oh, he's angry. But...it looks weird when his face is still so flushed and red. He's still embarrassed.

"You asshole! You weren't even listening!"

Oh I _wish_.

But unfortunately I heard you loud and clear, dobe.

"How long?" Might as well start the 'talk' part.

"Huh?" ...Idiot.

"How long have you known you were...gay?"

Oh man, it's really hard to say it. I mean, come on! I've known Naruto since I was thirteen! Before then even! And now, after ten or more years of friendship, when I think I know the guy, he comes along and tells me he's fucking gay?

Someone up there hates me.

"Uh...since...since that solo mission I went on last year."

Okay, you know in those anime series? When a character hears something incredibly disturbing, they go all white and their shirts slip off their shoulders a bit?

Yeah...that's what _I_ presently look like.

I mean, he's got to be kidding me!

A whole year? A whole bloody year and he only comes out _now_?

...

Oh my God.

WE SHARED ROOMS! AND HOT SPRINGS! AND _SHOWERS_!

HE'S _SEEN_ ME _NAKED_!

I feel..._violated_.

"Teme, why are you blushing?"

Hmm, I wonder?

Dobe!

"Dobe! Why didn't you say something sooner?"

He's thinking it over...

...

...

... "Don't hurt yourself dobe."

"Fuck you teme."

OH GOD I KNEW IT! HE'S GOT THE HOTS FOR ME!

"..."

"...Teme, not like that. I'm not into you, so you can relax."

Oh good...

...wait.

Why the hell _not_? What's wrong with me?

"Are you saying I'm unattractive?"

"What? No! Of course not! You're perfectly fine, Sasuke."

"Just fine?" So I was just wasting my money with all those fucking mail order products after all.

"Ugh! You're hot, okay! You're a sexy guy and you're very dreamy and such."

That's right. And don't you forge-

...

OH GOD! HE'S GOT THE HOTS FOR ME!

"So you do want to screw me!"

"NO! Dammit Sasuke, stop twisting my words around!"

Okay, breathe. Inhale and exhale and repeat.

Wow, this is hard.

This isn't in my job description. I shouldn't have to deal with this!

Ah...let me take a sip of beer, and calm down. I need to think straight. I need to focus.

...

Mm...Beer.

...

Focus. Focus, Uchiha!

"So, what do you think? Sasuke?"

What do I think?

I think I'm going to go need therapy.

"It's fine."

I always was a good bullshitter.

"Really? So you're not mad or anything?"

Mad? Why would I be mad? All he did was lie about one of the biggest things ever and then drag me out of the comfort of my home only to turn everything I knew about him upside down and henceforth shatter my image of our friendship and send me into a pit of endless confusion and empty despair.

"No. I'm not mad."

I'm fucking furious!

"I'm so glad. I wanted to tell you so many times, but...I was always scared that you'd...stop talking to me."

...

Well shit. Now I feel like an asshole.

...

...

Well, more so than usual.

"Dobe. We're friends, remember? You can trust me and tell me shit like this."

"Thanks Sasuke. You're the best."

"I know I am."

"Cocky bastard."

Familiar routine. Just what I need.

"Hey, hey...can I ask you a favour, Sasuke?"

"Hn?"

He's probably going to ask if he can borrow a jutsu scroll or something. He still hasn't given back the last one-

"Can you convince Neji to go on a date with me?"

...

...

...

WHAT?

"What?"

"Neji. I've had a crush on him for a while now and...I really want to go on a date with him. And since you're his friend I thought maybe... you know."

No. No I really _don't_ know.

Fuck, can this day get any worse?

"But, if you can't, then I guess I can go with Kiba. He asked me out yesterday, but I told him to wait."

...Whoever is up there must be laughing their omnipresent asses off. This is so not fair.

"W-wait. Hold on a moment. You're saying Kiba's gay?"

"He's bi-sexual."

Huh. You learn something new every day.

"But...I don't know if Neji's...on that side of the fence."

Why's he looking at me like that? I don't like it.

It's a sort of 'you-poor-ignorant-thing' kind of look.

"Sasuke. Neji is as gay as they get. You can just tell."

No you can't! He's not gay! He _can't_ be gay!

"How do you know?"

"Gaydar."

Well of course I can't tell! I'm sure I don't have that little feature installed!

"..."

Damn, this isn't my day. What should I do?

"So will you help me out? Come on Sasuke, please?"

...

Shit. He's using the puppy dog face.

Ugh...

"...Fine. I'll talk to him."

"Really?"

"Really."

No! Get away! Don't!

"Thank you Sasuke!"

"Dobe, get off."

I don't like hugs! I'm not the hugger in this relationship.

Wait... that sounded bad!

In this friendship! That's it, we're just friends.

Only friends.

...

Okay, weird, slightly painful feelings in chest area are never good. Maybe I should go and see Tsunade?

"I can't wait! Can you go to him now? Please?"

Geez, is he that impatient to get laid?

...

Oh God the images!

Must. Not. Think!

...

Oh mercy on my soul.

I need more beer.

"Dobe, give me a beer."

I really need more beer. My mind is starting to betray me!

"Sure. Here."

A sweet nectar of forgetting! Please, deem my poor soul worthy of your amnesia inducing skills and grant me freedom from this nightmare!

...

Ah...that's the stuff.

What was I talking about again?

"So, Sasuke, can we go find Neji now?"

...

FUCK! MEMORIES RETURNING!

No! No no no! Come back to me, amnesia!

Don't leave me here!

"...Fine."

Oh why! _Why_?

What have I done to deserve this cruelty?

Is it because of that cat I refused to help out of the tree when I was seven? Come on, that tree was big and I was scared of heights back then!

Or maybe because I kicked that baby?

But in my defence, that baby was actually a rogue ninja in disguise, so I had to kick it.

"Well, he's not here! Where else should we look, Sasuke?"

I don't know! He's your boyfriend!

...

...

Tsunade can explain that strange pain in my chest, I'm sure. I'd better make an appointment with her soon.

"Hey look over there!"

Oh great, Lee.

If Naruto thinks that I'm going to stop my inner musings just to ask some bushy browed freak of nature, with spandex included, about the whereabouts of that long haired, pale eyed gay-man that he's going to giggle and swoon over like my old fan girls, then he's got another thing coming!

"Hello Sasuke-kun!"

"Hey Lee. Do you know where Neji is?"

...

Oh shut up. Naruto asked me to ask him. He's my best friend.

...

Who is gay...

...

And who has a crush on Neji...

...

...I need another beer.

* * *

**XD I like this Sasuke...he was fun to write! :P I need to get into his head more often! Hahaha..**

**Hope you enjoyed. More will come along...when it comes along. 8D**

**Reviews make the reader! (and bribe the author to write more)  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ahahahha...aha...ha...**

**Don't know what to say, really. ¬_¬**

**Other than I torture our fav duckie in this chapter quite a bit.**

**Ahaha...**

**.**

**.**

**...**

**I'm hungry... *skips off to get food*  
**

* * *

Who invented the sun?

Seriously...

What person or thing decided to create a gigantic ball of deadly and flaming gas, that would not only shine bright enough to burn your eyes out of their sockets upon contact, but would also come up at ungodly hours in the morning, pulling you viciously from pleasant dreams and forcing you to face a day that may or may not be your last one on earth?

Can you see my argument?

Quite frankly, the sun should be fired.

...

Ha ha.

I made a funny.

_Not_.

Ugh, what time is it anyway?

...

It's already ten?

What the hell sun? Why didn't you wake me up at seven like you're supposed to?

Argh, you're a useless ball of gas, that's what you are!

Okay, shit, get my shoes. Get my back pack. Got it?

Got everything?

...

Yep.

Okay, time to go!

...

...

Oh shit.

What is _he _doing there?

He's never there! Why is he suddenly there? That's our team meeting spot! So why is _he _there?.!

"Hey Sasuke!"

"Good morning, Sasuke-kun!"

"Good morning, Uchiha."

No! Go away you pansy! You're not welcome!

"What are you doing here, Hyuuga?"

What's with the smirk? And why is he standing so close to...

To...

Oh God no.

It happened.

"I'm simply waiting here with my boyfriend."

Wipe that smug look off your face, Hyuuga, someone might see the horns.

Bastard.

...

Wait...

"Hn."

Why do I care?

Naruto is gay, and he does have a crush on Neji, so there's no reason for me to be hostile.

"Wow Sasuke, you never change. When are you actually going to learn some proper greetings, teme?"

Ah yes, the familiar jibe at my conversation skills.

Or lack thereof.

"Dobe, only an idiot feels the need to fill the silence with endless words instead of silent intellect."

Sasuke 1.

Naruto 0.

Today's starting out pretty good, if I do say so myself!

"Unless, of course, the intellect is inferior, and therefore one uses silence in order to avoid humiliation of said inferior intellect, wouldn't you agree, Uchiha?"

...

...

"Wow! That was such an awesome comeback Neji! You're so cool!"

...

"I have to say, that was impressive, Neji-kun!"

...

...

"...Hey Sasuke, you okay in there?"

...

FUCKING ASSWIPE! HOW _DARE _HE TURN MY OWN COMEBACK ON ME AND LOOK SO SMUG!

WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE!

OR NO, LET ME DO IT FOR YOU, YOU PALE-EYED, LONG HAIRED, PANSY-ASSED SON OF A-

"Yo, team. And hello Neji-kun. What brings you here?"

"Just waiting with Naruto. But I shall take my leave now."

YEAH YOU BETTER RUN!

"I'll meet you after training, okay Naru?"

Naru?

Pet names already?

What the hell is wrong with them?

"Sure thing Nej."

I think I'm going to be sick...

Oh wait, are they...?

No...

_NO_...!

Holy shit.

I just witnessed...my best friend...and my enemy...kiss...

Smite me now, heavenly presence!

"Goodbye."

"Bye bye!"

"See you later, Neji-kun!"

"Goodbye everyone. Until next time, Uchiha."

Yeah, yeah, just get lost before I vomit all over your smug face you prick.

Ugh...this day is sucking three ways to my dick.

...

...

Where that came from, I haven't a clue!

Okay, Kakashi's explaining the mission for today.

...

...

...

Wow, this man must have been a preacher in a past life. I'm almost asleep. Just one more minute and I think my dreams will be surrounding me once more!

"Okay team, that's it. Let's go."

Oh, screw you! No sleep time?

Fuck...

Oh shit they're moving! Got to get my head in the mission.

"Hey Sasuke?"

Why must you open your mouth when we are running? Do you not know how much of a safety hazard that is?

"Hn?"

"I just want to say thanks for hooking me up with Neji."

"...Hn."

But seriously, talking while running at this speed is not good...

"Yeah, it was so great!"

I mean, we're passing things at high speed, and must keep concentration or...

"And our first time was so romantic too!"

Or else we'll-THEIR FIRST TIME?.!

"OW!"

"Holy shit! Sasuke are you okay! Fuck, Kakashi! Stop for a moment! Sasuke, can you hear me!.?"

Of course, right above the ringing in my ears and the way my vision is blurred as my head slowly cracks open from the force of running head on into a solid concrete beam.

"Sasuke-kun! Are you alright?.!"

No I'm not fucking _alright_! I just ran into concrete dammit!

But wait, why did I run into concrete?

...

OH FUCK!

"Naruto! What did you say before?"

"H-huh?"

"Before I hit the beam, what did you say?"

"U-uh, I was just talking about how mine and Neji's first time-"

"First time? You've already slept with that jerk?"

That Hyuuga bastard! He...He took advantage of Naruto! The idiot is so fucking niave, he probably thought it was normal to have sex on the first date!

...

Well...for some people it is but...

NO! Naruto is not one of those people!

He's a virgin!

...I mean...h-he was...

Oh fucking hell, Hyuuga has tainted my best friend!

"Sasuke! What are you talking about? I haven't slept with anyone!"

...

Processing information...

Taking in information...

...

...Becoming confused...

"Huh? But you said your first time..."

"I was talking about our first time going on a date! I didn't mean..._that_ kind of first time!"

...

...

...Oh.

"...Oh."

Dear God in heaven...

Thank you, for protecting my friend's chastity from the devilish clutches of the evil Hyuuga.

Amen.

...

...

Why is everyone looking at me strangely?

"What?"

"...Sasuke-kun...y-you do realize that...uh...you were...thinking out loud, a few seconds ago?"

...

...

Oh...

Ha ha ha...

Uh...

Whoops?

"Sasuke...you don't like Neji, do you?"

Whatever gave you that idea?

It's not that I don't like him! I just prefer not having to see his face or hear his voice, and I don't plan on buying him any Christmas cards anytime soon, and the thought of his corpse rotting in a ditch brings a smile to my face!

"No."

I'm an honest man, okay!

...

Shut up, all of you! Yes _you_!

Don't pretend to be innocent! I _know _you rolled your eyes at my honesty comment!

YES YOU DID!

...

Fuck you all!

Ha! Take that! Yeah, what are you going to do about it, huh? _Huh_?.!

Nothing!

That's what!

...

Did I just argue with a presence that doesn't exist?

...

"Sasuke, maybe you should go home for the day. You look a bit lost..."

Oh, I'm not lost Kakashi.

I just have yet to find my way, that's all...

"...Hn."

But some more sleep does sound good. All of this inner monologue-ing is getting tiresome.

Bed sounds nice.

* * *

Three months...

It's been three whole months since 'it' started...

...

Three. Whole. Months.

Three months of feeling this odd pain in my chest, every time I'm near Naruto and Neji...every single time!

Without fail, if those two are there, the pain starts every time I look at them!

It's starting to worry me...

Am I allergic to homosexuals or something?

...

Ha ha.

No, that's not even possible...

...right?

No, it's not.

...

It isn't, right?

Agh, fuck me I'm confused!

And I'm not supposed to be confused!

Out of everyone in my team, I'm supposed to be the one that knows what the fuck's going on! At all times!

...

But I'm still so confused.

...

...

Oh man...

It's time to see Tsunade...

...

Please let me make it out of there with all, and I mean _all_, my limbs attached to my body...In the correct places...

Okay, here goes.

Take a breath, open the door and ask for advice! It's not that hard!

...

Dammit! I'm an Uchiha, and Uchiha's are not afraid to walk through doors!

So I'm going to go in.

Okay, here we go!

LEEEROOOOOY JENK-

Oh shit, wrong name...

SAAAASUUUUKEEEEEEEEEEEE UCHIHAAAAAAAAAAA!

-click-

"Hokage-sa-"

"AAH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Oh shit, Tsunade my fingers are still-"

-Slam-

...

...

...

...

...I...

I...I'm never...I can't...

...

I want to _cry _right now...

That was...the single most...

Oh my God...

Just...

...

I'm going to cry...

I can't help it...that was so...

What the _fuck_ were they even doing?

Tsunade...and Jiraiya-sama...

And he was...and she was...

And his fingers...

And her...

...

...I NEED A BUCKET!

OH SHIT I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING! I NEED A FUCKING BUCKET! I'M GOING TO HURL!

Oh my God, this is the worse day ever!

...

Ugh...

My stomach is churning...

That was horrific, in every sense of the word!

"Hey there Sasuke!"

OH MY GOD! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

I won't lie! I am screaming like a little girl on the inside.

"J-Jiraiya-sama...Uh..."

"...Oh, uh, about what you saw earli-"

"Saw? Saw what? I didn't see a thing! You think I saw something, because I didn't see anything! What was I supposed to see? Was there even something to see? Because I didn't see anything! And even if there had been something to see, I wouldn't have seen it anyway."

Okay, slow down! You're pointless rambling is not helping! In fact, it's only making it worse!

Stop talking!

"..."

Okay, good.

"...Uh..Okay then. Good...Uh, well, Tsunade can see you now."

Oh I bet she can...

"Y-yes sir. Thank you."

Okay, that went as smoothly as I could hope for I guess...

"Oh, Sasuke if you happen to see Na-"

"I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!"

Get away, get away, get away,_ get away!_

Door! Go through the door!

Yes!

...

Oh there she is...

"Hello, Sasuke."

"Hokage-sama."

"...Listen, about what you sa-"

"Tsunade-sama, I have this unexplainable pain in my chest, and I'd like to ask you to help me identify the cause, if you please."

Let's not linger in dangerous waters now.

"Oh, okay. Please describe it while I go over the normal check up."

Hmm...the pain..

"Well...it's kind of sharp...like someone is taking a kunai and stabbing just above my heart, or around that area...but it also has a sort of, dull ache to it at the same time..."

"Really? And how often does this pain occur?"

"Honestly, it only ever occurs when I'm around Naruto and Neji."

Ha ha.

Her 'surprised' face is kind of funny.

"When you're with Naruto?"

"No, Naruto and Neji."

"...What about just Naruto?"

"...No. It's only when both of them are present."

Seriously, am I speaking Spanish? Or French? Or Croatian?

I don't see the reason for such a confused look.

You're a doctor aren't you?

"...Sasuke...can you describe Naruto for me?"

...

...

I think she's gone senile.

"Hokage-sama?"

"Just describe him, as fully as you can and in your own words."

Is this some sort of psychological test thing? What's next? Is she going to pull out those cue cards that some Ink-using Gaara clone went to town on and ask me 'what do you see amidst the black blotches of failed creativity'?

"...Uh...Well, he's an idiot. And he often ends up screwing up missions due to his failure to think before he acts."

Yeah, that idiot. I've had to save his ass countless times.

"He's also way too trusting, in my opinion. He opens up to anyone that listens."

He also trusts that noob Hyuuga. Honestly, I don't even know why he thought we were friends.

The guy's a pansy.

And I bet he smells like one too!

"He's also got an innocent air about him, like a child. Sometimes I doubt if he even realizes how cold and cruel the world can be, because he's always smiling that huge, stupid grin of his."

That smile...Hell, it's always so wide. And so sincere. Why the hell is he always so happy, anyway? Whenever we're together, he's almost always smiling at me like that. It's weird.

"And he has this weird ability to light up a room, just by walking into it, really. Everything seems so much brighter when he's around. Like nothing could go wrong. Like the world isn't such a bad place anymore."

Like...the sun...

Just minus the suck-a-tude of it.

He's the awesome version of the sun.

The one that lights up the way rather than blinding your sensitive eyeballs.

...

...

Hang on...

I just went off into my own world there. I was just talking...

I don't talk!

...

Why is she looking at me like that?

It's that bloody 'you-poor-ignorant-fool' type of look again!

Why does everyone give me that damn look?

"Sasuke...there's only one reason I can give for the strange ache you've been having."

Oh goody, her doctor skills shall shed some light upon my body's strange new habits!

This ought to be good!

"Sasuke...You're in love with Naruto. And what you're feeling is heartache over the fact he is with another."

...

...

...

Old hag says what now?

"Excuse me?"

"It's true. You obviously have feelings for Naruto, and after hearing about his preferences, they came out of their dormant state into something more prominent. However, you're feeling heartache because Naruto is together with Neji, which is why every time you see them together, you get that pain. And it happens when you think of them together as well, does it not?"

No it doesn't!

...

Well...not _really_...

...

Not _much_...

...

Fuck it.

It hurts.

It hurt when she even mentioned the fact that they're together.

But she can't be right! I mean, _me_? In love with _Naruto_?

...

Ha ha ha!

It's a joke!

It has to be some kind of a joke!

"...You're...you're joking, right?"

Of course she is! Any moment now she's going to grin and laugh in my face. And say something about it being revenge for walking in on her and the pervert earlier!

Any moment now!

...

Now!

"No Sasuke...this is not a joke. You are in love with Naruto."

...

...

...I need a beer.

* * *

**Poor Sasuke... XD Poor, poor Sasuke...**

**Lol, maybe I should change this story's title to 'I need a beer.' XD**

**Hope you enjoyed! Next one should be out soon!  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Ahahaha...no comment. ¬_¬**

**^_^ Final chapter. It is a three shot after all...and this is the third shot...so...yeeeeaaah...**

**Enjoy!  
**

* * *

Rain can be so beautiful sometimes. The way the small droplets stream down a window, creating an intricate web of water is a sight to behold for sure.

And it can reflect ones mood perfectly sometimes.

A wet, constantly moving web.

One filled with either beauty and cleansing.

Or one that is stormy and uncharted and untamed. A jumble of emotions squashed together into a tear drop before they are released and sent spraying across a surface.

Oh man...

Here I am, a proud Uchiha, and I'm spewing out emo poetry about the rain.

If that isn't a sign of the end of the world...well, wait...this isn't the first time it's happened actually...

Guess the world will survive for another day.

Okay, let me clear things up a bit, since I'm going to confuse myself soon if I don't.

It's been three days since I went to see Tsunade.

I have been holed up at home through that entire time.

It's not that I'm hiding...I just don't feel like facing anyone at the moment.

After all, finding out that the pain in my chest was heartache at seeing my best friend and secret-even to me- crush with another is something that I don't really want people inquiring over. And I just know both Sakura and Kakashi will be nosy about it. They knew I was planning on seeing Tsunade, so they'll inquire.

It's just human nature.

But I don't want to have to deal with their questions.

Especially not if Naruto is there too.

God forbid.

But this is hard for me!

I find out, not by myself, but rather with the help of an old lady who disguises her true age that I actually am gay, and not only just gay, but also gay for my best friend, who happens to be gay for someone else!

Give me sympathy.

I demand it!

...

Naruto...

Dammit...there it is again.

That annoying ache in my chest.

...

I miss him.

...

...

...

DAMMIT!

I am an Uchiha! And Uchiha's do not mope around!

...

Don't say a word, you cretins!

Anyway...

So Naruto doesn't like me that way!

So what?

We weren't going out before, so why should it change now I know about his preferences!

Answer?

It shouldn't!

I can still hang out with him!

I can still be his best friend!

Screw Hyuuga...no wait, I don't want to do that.

That's Naruto's job...

...

Ouch.

I just hurt myself.

Way to go, Sasuke! Why don't you grab a kunai and slice your throat while you're at it?

Ha ha.

I made a funny again...

...

I'm not laughing.

...

Fuck I'm such a mess.

I think I drank a bit too much last night too. I can barely remember half the shit I did.

My head is ringing!

And pounding!

I can hear this constant banging sound in my skull!

...

...

Oh wait, that's my door...

Ha.

Oops.

Who could be visiting at this time?

...

I'll just leave it.

Whoever it is will go away soon enough.

"Teme!"

...

Oh...

Shit.

"Teme open the door!"

No thanks, I think I'll just curl under my covers and sob for a bit.

"Sasuke! Please!"

...

Hang on...

Why does he sound...like he's crying?

"Sasuke!"

...

Something's not right...

I'd better answer the door...

...

...

..What...

"Sasuke!"

...

...Someone is going to die.

"Sasuke? I-I'm sorry for coming here so l-late but..."

Someone is going to die slowly and painfully...

"I-I just really n-needed to talk to s-someone! And you're my b-best friend!"

And that person is most likely a pale eyed, long haired son of a prick.

"Naruto, what happened? Why are you crying?"

Okay, first let me lead him to the couch.

Maybe some tea?

Or coffee?

"I-I'm sorry Sasuke!"

Such an idiot.

"Dobe. There's no need to apologize. Now tell me what happened."

Tell me who to kill!

Or torture?

...

Both.

Both are always a good option!

"W-well I was with N-Neji earlier..."

Oh here we go...

"And t-then he said we needed to talk..."

It's always a 'talk'. Everything always starts with a 'talk'.

...

Fucking 'talks' suck.

"So when I asked h-him what was wrong he s-said...he said that...we should b-break up!"

YAY! Now I shall take you for myself!

...

...

That was mean...

Even I admit that was a mean thought.

After all, Naruto really liked him...

Why he liked him, I don't know, since I am so much more awesome than Hyuuga.

I mean, I've got the whole tall, dark and handsome thing going for me!

What does Hyuuga have?

Pale eyes and long hair.

Like a woman.

...

And the definition of gay is liking the same gender.

And since I have showered with Naruto _and_ seen him naked, I know he is a man!

Just like me!

Therefore, his infatuation with Neji was completely irrational...

...

Shit! If Neji was a woman, then does that mean that Naruto isn't gay after all?

SHIT!

That means that I'm the homosexual, and I'M the one with the secret crush that's going to have to come out of the closet all over again!

Oh come on, this is so not-

"Sasuke? Are you listening?"

...

Oh... he was still talking?

...

Oops.

"Hn. Of course I was."

"Oh really? Then what was I saying?"

...What was he saying?

Okay, re-cap...

"You went to talk to Neji and he dumped you, and now you want me to find him and slowly torture him before killing him in a very slow, very painful way."

Yep, that sounds about right.

"..."

"..."

"...You do realize you-"

"Yes, I put words in your mouth. Sue me."

Well, this must be a step in the right direction. He's laughing.

And they say laughter is the best medicine!

...

...

No wonder I'm always feeling sick of everything!

I obviously need to laugh more.

...

Ha ha.

I made yet another funny!

I should get on stage at this rate.

"Sasuke, you always know what to say to make me feel better."

That's because I am awesome.

"Hn."

"Tch, always the same. What does that even mean?.!"

The 'Hn' is a way to show that I'm badass.

That's why Hyuuga can't do it.

Or Rock Lee.

Or anyone else...

...

I'm the Lone Badass.

Heh.

Awesome.

"Hn."

"Again? I swear, that's all you do! Hn!...Hey it's actually kind of fun!"

Was he used as a football when he was a baby? Seriously?

"Dobe."

"Teme!"

Getting Naruto riled up is most definitely on my favourite past time list. It's just so easy and so fun!

And rewarding!

I mean, not only does he do that weird grumble thing, but he pouts and acts like a complete kid.

It's hilarious.

...

And...dare I say...

_Cute_.

...

If I was a fan girl, I'd be wiggling on the spot, with my hands on my cheeks and squealing.

...

Wow, that is some horrific imagery.

Thank God I'm not a fan girl!

"Hey Sasuke...Is there someone you like?"

...

Uh...

Shit. What should I tell him?

I mean...it's so soon after he broke up with Neji, if I tell him that I am, apparently, in love with him, it might turn out bad.

He might blame me for the break up!

And this time it wasn't my fault at all!

...

Not really...

I'm sure the few threatening letters I sent to Neji had no part in his decision to leave Naruto...

Heh.

Oh yes.

I _went_ there.

It wasn't planned! I did say that I drank a bit too much the other night.

"Hello, Sasuke? Are you feeling okay? You keep spacing out! And that's my job, remember?"

He's such an idiot.

But a cute idiot.

...

What the hell is wrong with me?

Oh that's right...I'm sick.

Lovesick.

Oo-la-la...

...

Did I just...?

Oh God I did...

I need therapy! I need a lawyer! I need a priest!

I need...I need...

I need beer!

"Hn. Dobe, wait here."

"Uh, okay."

Run Uchiha run! The liquid amnesia calls to you!

Ugh, hopefully this will help me figure things out...

...

No...

It _can't_ be...

"Sasuke? What's taking you so long?"

Quiet fool! I'm in the middle of mourning!

"...Hn..."

"What is it this time?"

It's terrible, Naruto. It's horrendous! It's _unthinkable_! It's absolutely tragic and _horrific_, inconceivable and unbelievable!

"Sasuke, what's the matter?"

Oh it's so bad...it's worse than bad...it's a _disaster_!

"...I'm out of beer..."

SHOCK AND HORROR FOR ALL!

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...That's it? You're out of beer? _That's_ what's so sad?"

Why the nonchalant tone? Does he not understand the severity of this situation?.!

I mean...I've got no beer!

I've ALWAYS got beer!

So why is my fridge void of those cans of goodness?.!

...

AHA!

I know who to blame for this atrocity!

The reason why I have a beer-less fridge in my home...

Is because of HYUUGA!

Yes, it must be his fault!

Everything is Hyuuga's fault!

"Naruto, I'll be right back."

Quick, slave, bring me my mallet! I'm going to go smash a screw into a wall! **(a/n: 'Neji' translated is 'Screw')**

"What? Where are you going!.?"

"Out."

"Where?"

"Through my front door and _beyond_."

Grab the kunai, grab the shoes, and grab those badass sunglasses...

Oh wait, it's evening...

Okay, forget the sunglasses.

"How long will you be, teme?"

Oh, that all depends on how thick Hyuuga's bone structure is...thinner the bone, quicker the time it takes to break it.

"Not long."

Hyuuga Neji, your skinny physique is going to be your downfall!

The Lone Badass is on his way over!

...

I need a theme song.

* * *

Stride that stuff! Sway those hips!

Look intimidating!

Oh hell yeah, the sneer always works!

That's right little man, run away!

You too grandma, cower before the badass that is me!

Man, the Hyuuga complex is pretty big! I've been striding through it for ages and I've yet to find the pale-eyed pansy!

...

Well, the _right_ one, anyway.

Man, what's so great about having long hair with these people? Surely it must get in the way!

I mean, don't they use that weird spinny technique? How can they stand to have their long hair swatting them in the face every time they spin right round when they go down?

...

Heh.

You spin me right round, baby, right round, when you go down, when you go down, down!

Ha ha, I bet you thought I didn't know that song!

Well surprise, surprise! Even I listen to that kind of music every now and then.

Anyway...

Is that the main house?

...

These people are amateurs!

My house is way bigger than-

Oh, that's just the entrance hall...

The rest of the house is...

...

...

Okay, so they're not _completely _pathetic.

Those solid gold beams are...reasonably impressive...

I'm sure my family _could have_ had those if we had wanted...

Yeah...

...

"Uchiha? What brings you he-"

HOW DARE YOU WALTZ IN SO CALMLY!

"You bastard!"

"-cough- What is the meaning of this, Uchiha?"

"You know damn well!"

You stole my beer, you jerk!

...

Oh yeah, and you hurt Naruto...

That too.

"...Is this revenge for Naruto?"

No it's revenge for my lack of beer! And my lack of a sex life!

And anything else I happen to lack...well, that can be your fault too!

"Why did you dump him? He wasn't good enough for your stuck up ass?.!"

Ha! If anything, it's the other way around! Naruto is _way_ too good for your pansy ass!

"I assure you, it's nothing like that. I simply didn't feel the same way, and didn't see the point in continuing something one-sided."

Oh, you think you're so smart with your cool logic and reasoning don't you, dick-weed?

Well guess what!

"You bastard! You couldn't even give it an honest try?.! He really liked you dammit! He's such an honest, kind hearted, loving guy, and yet you're not even going to try to hold onto him at the slightest sign of things looking a bit sour?"

"..."

"He's always caring for others, and working his ass off to keep everyone else happy! He deserves a little bit of his own happiness!"

"..."

"And dammit! As much as I hate to admit it, when he was with you, he was actually happy!"

"No he wasn't. If you truly believe that our relationship was all sunshine and rainbows and great sex, then you're sadly mistaken."

...

What was that last one?

Sunshine...

Rainbows...

Great...sex...

...

I'm going to kill him.

"You-!"

"We were under constant pressure from my family, which doesn't feel too proud to have me in a relationship with another male, and they were constantly nagging us about it. Also, we have less in common than we thought. Our conversations and dates would be bathed in silence more than there was actual talk."

"But he's upset! He fucking came to my house in tears!"

"And I regret that he feels pain, however, I know that it is more a subconscious obligation of his. He doesn't truly love me. In fact, I am quite certain that his love lies with another."

...

Are you serious?

"...Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"You think he is in love with someone else?"

"Yes I do. He's just taking a long time to realize it. He is an idiot after all."

I can't argue there...but still...

Naruto's in love with someone other than Neji?

If that's true then...

Who is it?

Who am I competing against now?

...

"...Who does he love?"

"You mean you haven't figured it out for yourself?.!"

Oh come on! Not another 'you-poor-ignorant-man' look!

I am really starting to get sick of those!

Why is it always me?

Okay wait, focus...

So Naruto loves someone...

And I'm supposed to have known about it by now...

So then that means...

"...It's Kiba, isn't it?"

"What? Uchiha, Kiba isn't even gay, is he?"

"He's bi-sexual."

"Huh. You learn something new every day."

That's what I said!

Now, not only do you steal my beer, my best friend, my crush, but also my lines?.!

You Hyuuga's have no boundaries for your nefarious deeds!

"So if it's not Kiba, then who is it?"

"..You really don't know?"

If I knew, I wouldn't be here, gripping your shirt and holding you in the air, now would I?

...

Well, I probably would...

But that's beside the point.

"Just tell me dammit!"

"You're an idiot, Uchiha. It's you!"

...

...

...

...

Huh?

"Huh?"

"Oh for...Uchiha, Naruto loves you!"

...

Processing...

Processing...

Analyzing...

Analyzing...

...

Realizing...

Rejoicing...

Doing mental victory dance...

Process completed.

"...You're serious? He l-loves me?"

"Yes! I can't believe you haven't seen it sooner! I assumed that you weren't gay, and that's why you were ignoring it."

Oh well Hyuuga just knows everything doesn't he?

Prick.

But hang on, that's not the point!

Naruto loves me! My secret crush loves me!

And, I feel the same for him!

...

...

And he's alone at my house.

...

Oops.

"I...I got to go!"

"Yes, sure, whatever. Can you kindly put me down now?"

"Huh? Oh, right."

"So, what is your plan now?"

Go home and fuck that fox!

...

...

I'm such a dirty boy.

"I'm going to talk to Naruto."

Yes...talk...a nice long talk...

Heh heh...

"You look like you're planning something sinister, Uchiha."

Give the psychic a medal.

"Hn."

"Try not to scare him. As you well know, he can be painfully innocent at times."

Oh shit he's right. Naruto is not only an oblivious idiot, but he's also an innocent one.

Damn.

That's going to put a damper on my sexual fantasies for the time being.

"Hn. I know all that."

"Well then, please fuck off now. You're trespassing."

Dick.

But he's right. I've got more important things to do!

Like going home and persuading Naruto that, since we both have this weird feeling called love for each other, that we should get together and have hot manly man-sex.

...

Or something like that.

...

Why am I not freaking out over the fact that I've gone completely gay for my best friend in the span of three months?

I guess Uchiha's really are awesome at everything. Including adapting to new view on their sexual orientation.

Although, I suppose in my case, I have a 'Narutorientation'.

Ha ha ha!

...

Bad Sasuke.

Keep away from the pathetically bad jokes on your orientation.

Okay, here we are, back home.

Truly, it is where the heart is. I can feel mine beating a lot faster than usual.

...

Shit, I hope this love stuff doesn't cause me to go into cardiac arrest.

...

Is that why so many people have heart attacks? Because they're actually in love and are experiencing this?

...

That would suck.

...

Huh?

Where is he?

...

No way. Did he _leave_?

Did he actually have the gall to get his ass off my couch, get his shoes off my floor and get his future uke ass out of my front door?

...

Well fuck, that just makes everything shitty.

"Fuck!"

Of all the rotten luck to give me! I swear, there's some higher power out there that has it in for me! Why do I always have to deal with stuff not going my way? First it was my family, then it was my strength, then it was my leaving, then it was my power, then it was my friend being a straight guy, then it was my hidden emotions, and now it's my love not being where he's supposed to be! On my couch!

Or underneath me, moaning.

...

Wow. I'm a pervert.

Who knew?

Oh well, everyone has skeletons in their closets.

...

I literally do. It was a stray rat that used to live under my bed.

I called him Joey. He lived a good life.

Well, he did right up until that fateful night I had to piss and didn't look where I was walking while he was out for his nightly stroll.

He was quite the fat rat.

...

Shit, Naruto's short attention span has gotten to me! How did I go from ranting over his absence, to perverts to my old friend Joey?

Something is wrong with the world.

Well...I suppose I should just go to bed. It's really getting late now, and no doubt Naruto isn't at home. He'll most likely be wandering the village. He does that when he wants to think.

Or, I suppose, more accuratley, when he wants to give himself a major headache attempting what most people find easy.

Better go upstairs and change.

...

What's that sound?

...

Humming? Or singing of some type?

Wait...who's humming in my house?

...

Why is someone humming in my house in the first place? Uchiha houses are not humming houses! My family may have been gifted in a lot of things, but the most singing we ever did was in the shower, and even then it was low and out of tone and something we kept a well-known secret from each other.

So why, may I ask, is there some stupid moron sitting in my bedroom humming some random tune that sounds very much like that 'Ramen' song that Naruto made up when he was a kid...

Oh.

Naruto's sitting in my bedroom humming.

...

Because _that's_ normal. Oh yeah, very normal.

_Not_.

"Naruto?"

"Oh! Sasuke, you're back! Uh, sorry...I was just bored so I thought I'd walk around and I just ended up in your bedroom."

Oh, did you? Mmm, I'm sure you'll find yourself 'ending up' in my bedroom quite often.

"Dobe."

"Teme. Where'd you go anyway?"

Originally to kill Hyuuga and get beer...OH SHIT!

"Oh shit!"

"What?.!"

"I forgot to buy beer."

Why's he laughing? I fail to see what is so amusing about this tragedy! I forgot the beer! That is like...devastating!

I should be shot!

...

Put the guns down, people, Kishimoto will not forgive you if you shoot me.

I've got a contract.

Anyway, back to this world!

"Dobe, stop laughing."

"I'm sorry it's just...hahaha! You really need to slow down on the beer. You drink it way too much."

Too much beer?

Bah! Heathen!

How dare he mock my nectar of forgetting?

I'll have to reform him somehow.

But that comes later. For now, it's time to see if what Hyuuga said was true or not. If he was lying, I'm going to rip his lungs out through his ass and then feed them to him with an exploding kunai.

"Naruto...we need to talk."

Ah yes, everything starts and ends with a talk.

"What about?"

About the fact that I want to bang you.

"About...something important."

"...Great work on the vague factor. Care to elaborate on what is important?"

I want to use your thighs as earmuffs. Wink wink!

"It's important."

"Is it really important?"

As important as my need to see you naked.

"Dobe, don't make me hit you."

Because damn, I want to hit that!

"You wouldn't hit me."

Wanna bet?

"Dobe. I'm being serious."

"When are you ever not serious?"

When you're riding me like a rabid cowboy.

"Please, let's just talk."

"Holy shit, did you just say 'please'?"

I'll say a lot more if you beg me.

"Yes. Now sit down, shut up and listen!"

And take off your clothes. They're not really necessary.

"Okay, geez!...So what's so very important?"

...

Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhh...

"..."

"..."

...

"..."

"...Sasuke? What's important that you need to talk to me about?"

...

What do I do?

What do I say?

How do I say it?

"..."

"...Teme, if you're not going to even say anything then why-"

JUST SAY IT!

"I love you!"

"..."

"..."

...

Here it comes...the moment of truth!

"...W-what?"

...Or not..

"...I said...I love you."

Ha ha.

Heavy silences make me heady. Ahahahaha...

Insert 'I've-gone-insane' face here.

"S-Sasuke...are you s-serious?"

"Hn. 'When am I ever not serious?'"

Using his own words against him! Fuck yeah!

"B-But...I thought you were straight! I mean...when did this happen? Why didn't you say anything sooner?"

Maybe because I only found out myself a short while ago.

"I wasn't sure that what I felt was love...I didn't even know it until a short while ago. And isn't it obvious why I didn't say anything? You were with Neji, and you seemed happy, so I kept my mouth shut."

Because, of course, it's not like I only figured out that I was both gay and in love with you three days ago.

No, not at all.

"Sasuke...I...I don't know what to say..."

How about 'Take me!'?

"If you'd like some time, I understand. You've just gone through a break up after all. I didn't really mean to lay this on you now."

No, I wanted to lay something else on you entirely. It's called 'Little Sasuke'.

"Sasuke...I-"

"Just think about it...I know it might seem crazy, but I do love you. However, if you don't feel the same, I understand. We'll sort something out eventually."

But no matter what you say, I'm seme. Let me just clarify that now. Me. Seme. You. Uke. End of story.

"Sasuke...Sasuke I don't...really know. It's true that I was with Neji but...even before the break up I'd been feeling that it...wasn't really right, you know? I mean, I was upset when he dumped me, but...after a while, while you were gone, I thought about it and realized I wasn't actually that upset."

This is good.

"And...even before then, I'd been finding that the time I spent with you was really the best. Even before, I cherished all the moments I spent with you. You're my best friend...you've always been important. You've always been the most important."

If only he knew how much those words apply to me to. I cherish every memory with Naruto. Even before I discovered my love and seemingly insatiable lust for him, I considered him my most important friend. He saved me in so many ways.

He really is my world.

And it really took me so long to realize just how much he meant to me?

...

Seems even Uchiha's can be blind to the most obvious things.

"Sasuke...I think...I think I love you too."

He looks absolutely adorable with that blushing, confused, 'I'm-totally-unsure-if-I'm-saying-the-right-thing-but-hell-it's-too-late-now' kind of face.

Ah, I'm smiling aren't I?

But I just can't help it. And besides, it's Naruto.

He has every right to see the things he does to me.

"Dobe...Since when do you 'think' about anything?"

Ha ha. I couldn't resist.

It's just a natural thing with us.

"Teme!"

He's pouting again! I love making him pout! He always gets all flustered when I outsmart him. I just want to hug him.

...

Hey wait, I can do that now, can't I?

Yay!

"Ah! Sasuke!"

"Shut up Dobe, don't spoil the moment."

"But since when do you hug?"

Since I found that Teddy Bear in one of the old nursery's and decided to give it a try.

"Since now."

Hi, my name is Sasuke, and I'm a liar. It's a pleasure to meet you all! (That was a lie, by the way.)

He feels so warm in my arms. I could really get used to this.

It's truly amazing how much can change in such a short time. All you need is to be given another perspective on things, and everything is thrown for a loop. You see so much more than you did. So many new possibilities and so many new doors are opened, while some might be closed off. I never once imagined that my best friend would be my true love.

And yes, I add the word true because I have never, ever felt this way for anyone else. Not even the few girls that I have dated- bad memories, go away!- ever brought out the feeling I have when I'm near Naruto.

He is my sun. He is my world.

As sappy as I sound, it's the only way I can think to describe it.

I really want to make this work.

I just know that we'll be happy.

"Sasuke...where are your hands going?"

And I'm sure the sex is going to be amazing!

"Nowhere suspicious..."

"Teme, get your hands off my ass! We just confessed, we're not together yet!"

Ah, the melodious sound of my sexual dreams shattering into a million tiny pieces.

"Haven't you ever heard of rebound sex?"

Is that a flicker of shining hope I see?

"Teme! I'm not going to have rebound sex with you!"

Nope. Just another one of my dreams going up in flames.

Never mind.

"...Please?"

"TEME! You're such a pervert!"

Yeah, it's shocking isn't it. I was surprised myself.

"Only over you."

God forbid anyone else cause 'Little Sasuke' to look up. That would just be horrifying.

But he's smiling. I'm glad I'm able to make him smile. I'm glad that he saves those small, sincere smiles just for me. I'm glad I see those blinding, stupid smiles. I'm glad I see him cry, and laugh and shriek and whisper.

I'm glad he's here with me now.

"I'm glad...that you were born."

"...Sasuke..."

And above all...

"I love you, Naruto."

"I...I love you too, Sasuke."

Above all... I'm glad that you dragged me out of my comfort zone to tell me that you're gay all that time ago.

Even if it wasn't in my job description, it's alright.

Because I'm glad I got to fall in love with you.

* * *

**Ah, Sasuke's a big softie at heart...and a total pervert. XD**

**Hope you enjoyed this absolute randomness!**

**Reviews would be loved and cuddled and well looked after, so please feel free to give as many as you want! They'll go to a good home! :3**

**Later everyone!  
**


End file.
